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hope u like it

Post by thetimmon on Mon Jul 11, 2011 2:41 pm

july, 11 3011 days till war: 2

its been snowing a lot this fall nobody knows why it hardly never snows in october. i heard a noise last night that didnt sound like anything ive ever heard. i went outside with my rifle to check it out. i saw footprints and they were heading towards the forest. i went back inside and tried to get to sleep. then i heard it again. i looked out my tent. and something was clawing at the other soldiers tent it looked like a dog at first. then it saw me and started trying to get inside my tent. so i grabbed my rifle and started shooting at it then it went back into the forest. and i didnt see it again that night. i asked the other soldiers the next day they said they didnt hear anything. the footprints were gone too. i went into the forest with me rifle. i heard some firing. i ducked behind a log then looked up slowly i saw a soldier shooting at the thing i saw last night so i started shooting at it too being careful not to hit the soldier. then it started coming after me and i could see where i hit it in the head but why was'nt it dead.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
cant think of any more at the moment


Last edited by thetimmon on Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: hope u like it

Post by Aaron on Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:20 pm

Eeeee... what is this trying to convey?

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Re: hope u like it

Post by buckthefuffalo on Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:08 pm

Korasi wrote:Eeeee... what is this trying to convey?
This. I'm rather confused on the point of this story. I mean, I get that it's a soldier and he's trying to kill some beast that just won't die for some reason, but you sort of just leave it at that. Also, you really need to work on your grammar and vocabulary. Practically the whole paragraph is run-ons, and your sentences lack spice.

What I suggest is to try to get more writing under you belt, and recognize your grammatical mistakes so that they don't happen again. Also, make sure to look over the post before you post it, and check for any errors that you might have missed. Writing a draft on a word document and improving it, then posting the final copy here would help too. If you enjoy writing though, don't give up. Just put effort into improving yourself and your writings WILL get better.

Anyway, good luck with any future works. Hope I helped.

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Re: hope u like it

Post by Aaron on Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Also, capiitalize your sentences, use apostrophes to show contractions and correct possessive forms, and as Buck said, use periods. I like the idea of the story, but use more adjectives to describe the scenes. Take a look at Qualna's work. He shows expert usage of all of the afformentioned techniques. Keep working. Look forward to more.

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Re: hope u like it

Post by Qualna on Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:36 pm

Korasi, it's aforementioned, not "afformentioned." It's hard to teach someone the proper technique when you fall victim to such mistakes as that. Very interesting title by the way. I wonder if "hope u like it" has any relevance to the plot. Also, how does the protagonist know precisely how many days there are before he engages in war, and in what war is he fighting in? I know good authors don't tell every detail right away as to leave some element of discovery later on, however I can't make heads or tails of the setting.

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Re: hope u like it

Post by Aaron on Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:35 pm

Qualna wrote:Korasi, it's aforementioned, not "afformentioned." It's hard to teach someone the proper technique when you fall victim to such mistakes as that. Very interesting title by the way. I wonder if "hope u like it" has any relevance to the plot. Also, how does the protagonist know precisely how many days there are before he engages in war, and in what war is he fighting in? I know good authors don't tell every detail right away as to leave some element of discovery later on, however I can't make heads or tails of the setting.

Qualna is my spell checker. Wen i rite liek tis, he ficks it.
But yeah. Maybe give a title that has a mystifying effect. Like, since the setting is pretty hellish, give it a holy title.
"Winter in Eden", for example.

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Re: hope u like it

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